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Health At Every Size with PCOS' Journal
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Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in Health At Every Size with PCOS' LiveJournal:

Thursday, November 29th, 2007
7:53 pm
I just wanted to say hi.

I was introduced to Kate Hardings Shapely Prose through Shakespeare's sister, and have been reading it pretty much since it started, I think. While I'm having trouble letting go of wld (as you may be able to tell from my interests and other communities I belong to) I am beginning to see that HAES is probably the best philosophy for my sanity.

I'm glad that there's a HAES community that deals specifically with PCOS. I'm excited about learning from you all.
11:35 am
Thin Fantasy
I hope no one minds me posting this, but I'm finding that I feel like I'm being pulled so deeply into exploring this, and maybe could use some feedback if anyone has any.

I don't know if anyone else here reads the Shapely Prose blog, but recently Kate Harding blogged about The Fantasy of Being Thin, which, I think, applies almost universally in one form or another. But (not to compare, but to highlight my own experience), there is another level of hell to it when talking about illness, and perhaps, PCOS in general.

In the PCOS circles I've moved in, there is a deep, underlying, completely pervasive belief that if us fat "cysters" could just lose weight, our PCOS would magically go away. As if the thin with PCOS weren't living proof of the opposite. As if many of us weren't thin when symptoms developed.

And even more insidious for me, the idea that if I were only thin, I could get pregnant. That is my one lasting Thin Fantasy. And the most heartbreaking to let go of. But more and more I see it is a fantasy, and I do need to let go of it. The fact that I got pregnant when I was thinner was probably more due to the fact that I was younger (10 years younger, in fact). The idea that I am not pregnant because I'm fat is something that I've gotten from other women with PCOS and my fat-hating family doctors. Not from my fertility specialists. My fertility specialists never mentioned my weight beyond saying that it might affect Clomid dosing, but would not affect injectibles dosing.

How crazy is it that society blames fatness for rampant greed and consumerism and infertility all a the same time?

Does anyone else here still battle with this, if not the infertility than the magical disappearance of PCOS? Or, if you've gotten beyond it, how did you move on? Because I am sitting here weeping trying to let go of this, and I just can't extract it from myself.
Friday, September 21st, 2007
2:03 pm
Does Metformin make anyone else lose their appetite? I've also had a head cold for a few days and sometimes that makes me not want to eat, but I'm basically better and still feeling somewhere between "enh" and "eew" about food. My endo just increased my Metformin dosage so I'm wondering if that's related. I've certainly been told that it can make you lose weight, which would be annoying but might at least spur me to find a good tailor -- but I thought that was because PCOS makes you hold on to weight above your setpoint. I don't want to lose weight anyway, but I REALLY don't want to lose it because I feel too disgusted by food to get adequate nutrition.
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
11:19 am
Sorry - Just Ranting Again
Had a 5 minute appointment with my endocrinologist today. Since May, when he started treating me, I've lost 11 lbs. He's very excited about this. I'd love to not have to spend more money on clothes, frankly, so I don't care. My labs came back, and the glucose hasn't lowered especially much since the last time he saw me (a couple months ago, I think) but it's still slightly better than it was in May. My triglycerides are ridonkulous, but we think that might have been due to the bloods not being "fasting" level. He's keeping an eye on it. So far I like him...

But then he starts talking about his hot-shit new injectible drug that I could take instead of the metformin that would lower my glucose levels and make me lose weight, which he tells me will help with my PCOS symptoms. I'm not sure he's listening to me - I've had the symptoms at all weights, even before I wound up with the thyroid condition (which he's treating) that kicked me up over 200 lbs. Not to mention that I had to correct him that my "acne" is actually rosacea. He's all excited about getting me on this drug, since it's like "a gastric bypass in a box!"; that it shrinks the stomach, and if I eat "too much", I'll get nauseous. He smiles when he says it, like "the puking means it's working!" He then lists another drawback - the expense. It can cost over $200 a month for this stuff, although insurance will cover it if he changes my dx from pre-diabetic to Type II diabetic, which he would of course, be happy to do.

Excuse me? Do you think I'm fat because I eat too much? Might it not be the long-undiagnosed thyroid problem and Eastern European/Samoan heritage? Hell, I'm only 224 fucking pounds, my glucose is hovering around 6% (anything between 5.8 and 7 is considered pre-) and I'm not willing to be a guinea pig. Furthermore, I am not interested in a spurious diagnosis that could make it impossible for me to obtain, let alone pay for, insurance should I ever leave this position with its dream insurance (no co-pay, no deductible, nothing out of my paycheck). 

I am supposed to see him again at the end of the year, after I've "thought over" the other drug. I'm going to have to figure out what to say to him that doesn't imply that I feel that he's in the pocket of Pfizer or whoever makes this new, miracle bulimia drug. Or some way to bring up my medical history, which I'm sure is in my chart, that takes "weight" out of the PCOS crap without sounding defensive. Any ideas? Comiseration?
Wednesday, August 15th, 2007
3:35 pm
An Intro Post
Okay, starting small here but we really should have an opening post right?  I'm glad others are interested in talking about PCOS from a weight neutral perspective.  PCOS and weight have some relationship to one another.  Who knows, though, exactly what the relationship is, whether one causes another or whether they have a common cause (like diabetes and weight which are related genetically).  In the end, to me, it doesn't really matter what the relationship is, because we live in such a fat-phobic world, it is inappropriate to focus our energies on weight matters because there is already too much false health-and-weight rhetoric floating around.

I've been frustrated by a diagnosis of PCOS because I feel like it is my doctor's way around me saying "no, I am not interested in weight loss."  Personally, I prefer to take a more nuanced approach to body weight, thinking of it as something that has risks and benefits at all levels.  Small people have certain risks, medium size people have certain risks, and large people have certain risks.  So even if my high body weight is contributing to PCOS (which I'm not convinced it is), it is also decreasing my risk of other things.  Besides, with no known way of reducing my weight permanently, and many known health risks of intentional weight loss, I just don't see any justification for continued harping about weight loss.  I've recently stopped consenting to being weighed at the doctor's office, and that has so far put the weight conversations on pause.
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